Learning to Trust in the Process
Three months ago, I sat down to eat lunch with Cameron and said, “I don’t think I am going to go to grad school.”
I had been planning for grad school since last December, and on this day when we had this discussion, it had not been long ago that I had started my application. But, something was telling me not to finish it.
As scary as that was, I knew that ignoring the obvious voice in my ear was not a great option. Grad school wasn’t the only topic of discussion at the table that day, either. That day, I told him I was finally going to start this blog.
That day, all in one sitting, I finally declared the simple truth: The Lord’s plan is greater than mine.
When I reflect back on the process of starting this blog, it frightens me a little because it isn’t clear cut. I am very task-driven, so at the start, the thought of investing so much time into one venture scared me in more ways than one. Processes are complicated and slow. They are saturated with hard work, waiting, and lots of planning.
To begin with, I was anxious because when I get my mind set on something, I want to do it well and fast. But, you know as well as I do that really great things do not happen overnight. Success cannot be measured in a 24-hour span. Success is built and fostered over phone calls, Facetime sessions, journal-writing, tears, sweat, and research after research.
As an English major, I don’t mind research, and I believe that I do it pretty well. However, when I began to research ways in which I wanted to brand myself, and I delved deep into the messy, complicated, and difficult moments in my life in order to ask myself the question, “Why this? Why now?” it frightened me.
In the beginning, all I was sure of was my passion for telling a story, and I knew that I had a story that I had to tell. But, I wasn’t sure how in the world I would do that. For over a year, I had hoped and prayed that the Lord would make clear to me how I was supposed to be using my writing.
“I felt a strong desire to tell my story, write a book, and create change in this world, but I was so unsure of how.”
I prayed. I prayed some more. Then, I prayed more. I kept praying, “Lord, show me the way. Use me.” But, I couldn’t figure out why I was having to wait so long; I was sure I had missed the sign.
But on that day in September, when I sat down at the table, something changed in me. It was on that day that I realized that I can’t pray to Him, “Lord, use me,” but then not get up and get to work. I decided then that I’ve got to run hard and fast in His direction, with eyes and heart wide open, ready to respond, ready to cultivate, and ready to do the really hard stuff.
“The really hard stuff started on the day that I finally stopped ignoring my dream, because contrary to how it is often perceived, hard work gets harder when we begin running after the good stuff. ”